>> The Haunting of Molly Hartley (4/10)

Oh, The Haunting of Molly Hartley, you didn’t seem like a really bad movie, until you went and tried to be all twisty and turny.  You did seem like a made-for-TV thriller designed to appeal to young teen girls, but you didn’t really suck, until, well, you started sucking.  Then, when you did start sucking, wow, you went nuts, shaming both Hoover and Dyson in the process.  I can’t even understand why you are a movie that is actually playing in theatres.  You star nobody, your screenplay is, let’s be perfectly honest here, balls, and you’re less scary than a Halloween church carnival.

You tell me a story about Molly Hartley (Haley Bennett), new girl in school, fresh from a stabbing at the hands of her nutty mother.  Mom’s in an asylum now, and Molly is doted on by a vanilla-bland father, a popular Ken doll hunk of teenage man-meat, and an overly friendly Christian girl who resembles Steve Buscemi if he was pretty enough to compete on America’s Next Top Model.  Molly keeps having flashbacks of her mother attempting to stab the teenage demons out of her with a pair of scissors, that, to me, felt very much like a textbook case of post-traumatic stress disorder, yet the movie treats this as if Molly Hartley is a dangerous whack-job, just inches away from becoming just like her mom and stabbing everyone in sight.  Then you start releasing information and exposition that, for the first hour or so of the film, you haven’t even foreshadowed, and then you start asking me to skip tra-la-la over the plot holes and character cracks in a cute, pleated plaid skirt, and no.  I am so not doing that.

You’re stupid.  Brave for coming out in the face of the Saw franchise this Halloween, braver than other, better, horror films that decided to wait until 2009 than stare down the barrell of Saw‘s guaranteed box-office buckshot, but you’re stupid.  You ask me to believe things that don’t make a lick of sense, including your preposterous twist ending, one that requires an audience to suspend disbelief in how a knife works.  We know how knives work.  We use them everyday.  They aren’t magical swords or anything.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley, your crime is that you are as lifeless as cardboard, and nowhere near as exciting to watch.  You are dull.  You don’t even try to be scary.  Your screenplay=balls.  You really should’ve nailed down the specifics of the plot before you decided to become a movie, because the only people who are going to be able to enjoy this are 10-year olds, folks mentally unequipped to tell you exactly why the religious mumbo-jumbo and questionable psychiatry in your movie make your movie idiotic.  I literally can not understand you, and it’s your own fault.  There is not a single reason I can think of to tell anyone why they should see you, and I hope you are soon forgotten.  Good luck in your future life as the movie nobody wants in the “2 for $11” Wal-Mart  discount bin.

4 on a 1 to 10 scale

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3 Comments

  1. Ok, now I’ve got to know, how do you require the suspension of disbelief for the use of a knife?

  2. HUGE GIANT SPOILER ALERT THAT RUINS THE ENDING TOTALLY:

    Molly stabs herself repeatedly in the chest at the film’s end, killing herself rather than surrendering her body to the least sinister Satanic cult ever committed to celluloid.

    The film fades to black at this point, then, in the next scene, Molly is fine, graduating valedictorian at her private school, because now she is full of demons, or somerthing. I don’t know.

  3. Hmm, sounds to me like 4 might be too high of a number, then.


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