>> Eagle Eye (4/10)

It looks like a good movie.  It’s got the sheen of a polished, expensive Hollywood techno-thriller, complete with movie stars, and Steven Spielberg’s name up there in the opening credits.  Make no mistake, however, when I tell you that Eagle Eye is dumber than dumb; an exercise in the ludicrous that asks us to believe so many moments of pure and utter bull crap that it’s amazing no one stopped along the production to question anything.

You don’t have to be a technological genius to despise this movie.  Just a basic working knowledge of technology will make this film absolutely unwatchable, leaving the Amish and cavemen as director D.J. Caruso’s apparent target audience.  In it, Shia Labeouf plays a copy boy that is pulled into a vast governmental conspiracy after his twin brother (who may or may not have been a terrorist) dies.  He, along with Michelle Monaghan, playing nothing more than The Girl here, are commanded by cell phone to run, run, run, run, run, and run (and also go to Circuit City and listen to the ad for their new Firedog computer repair service).

This is a movie with an all-powerful, all-seeing villain, one that can make powerlines fall off a grid and chase someone down the street like a snake, one that can control junkyard equipment through remote networking, one that can change x-rays on the fly, and, in one of its most ridiculous offenses, keeps talking to the heroes, and they keep responding, despite the fact that the voice, which was once talking to them via phone, now has no source.  Yes, they end up talking to a disembodied voice with no apparent source.  I guess they thought we’d just forget about the cell phones at some point.

Here’s a small (but important) example of why this movie doesn’t work.  Shia is behind the wheel of an SUV, taking driving orders from the voice on the phone (“Turn left here”, “Accelerate to 70 mph”. etc).  During this high speed chase, Shia refuses to drive anymore, fed-up with the commands, and scared out of his wits.  The voice takes over the SUV and drives it to where it needs to go.  Why, then, did Shia drive it in the first place?  Why didnt he just hop in, and the thing start driving itself on its own right away?  Taken as one scene, this might be fine, but the whole movie hinges on Shia’s importance in the voice’s grand plan.  Once you find out just what that plan is (which is a dumb plan, of course, in keeping with the whole movie), and just how all-powerful the voice is, you’ll wonder why the voice didn’t prevent the FBI (represented by Billy Bob Thornton) and Air Force (represented by Rosario Dawson) from tracking Shia down in the first place, ot why the voice didn’t carry out it’s own damned plan, if it can do everything anyways.

Eagle Eye is ridiculous and implausible, asking us to believe things about technology we already know the truth about, and flying directly into the face of logic because of it.  Logic then opens its hungry mouth, chews Eagle Eye into a wad of slick mush, and spits it out into a trash can filled with expenive, crappy movies that insult the audience’s intelligence.  Gimme back my two hours, D.J. Caruso.

4 on a 1 to 10 scale

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2 Comments

  1. I wanna exercise in Ludakris.

    I like dumb movies. They make me feel smart.

  2. isn’t Eagle Eye the one where Shia LaBeouf becomes Indiana Jones? dang, now i’m all confused…


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